One of the most common questions we get asked when people hear that we are poly is "How do you find the time?". Most of the people asking reason that they have one significant other and can't imagine dedicating that much time or attention to more people than that.

Currently, our family consists of 5 people. I've been married to Boone for 6 years and have a long-term boyfriend, Matt. Boone has been dating Lyndzi for 2+ years who also has a boyfriend, John, she has been with for nearly the same amount of time. That gives us 5 different people with 5 completely different schedules: we have to schedule around work, running two different businesses, school, and multiple groups that we are involved with in the community. On top of that are things like chores, errands, etc. It certainly doesn't leave a lot of time, but somehow we make things work (not to say there aren't ever wrinkles in this plan!). Having been in serious poly relationships for at least the past 2+ years, we have had quite a bit of time to work out what does and doesn't do it for us.

At the last Coming Out Poly group meeting, it was asked how we schedule things. Those that know us personally have heard about my calendaring system (and giggled at it. I know you have! ). I have 13 separate google calendars (I swear by them) that loosely run our every day lives. We have regular "date days" that we spend with specific people that way we know when to make special plans with that person, as well as days that are flexible where it doesn't really matter who we are with.

I think, too, with how much we have going on, we all have to be understanding and respectful of each other's schedules. Even with as extensively as I request things get calendared (being in my family means regularly hearing me say "put it on the calendar!".), things comes up that you just can't plan for. Personal issues, emergencies, etc require attention from different people and a bit of flexibility in how we live our lives.

And yet, with how many things are demanding our time and attention, I actually feel like I am more in control of my life now than I ever was when I was monogamous. I can't credit poly for everything (open minded, non-traditional family members also help), but I believe it has had a big part in it. I have never wanted to be known as one half (or fifth, in this case) of a relationship. I am my own person with my own ideas, needs, and wants - my relationship doesn't define the person I am. I think that being in a relationship like this has made me realize, now more than ever, that I am an individual. The things I want out of life don't need to align perfectly with my partners. They have their own wants and needs, too. We are all living our own lives and *sharing* them with each other, not living one life together. Other people have made the same connection that I have and I think it is almost enlightening. Over the past month since I had this epiphany I have realized exactly how much freedom there is in choosing your own lifestyle and being able to get your needs met (not only relationship-wise).

I've been thinking about what I want out of life, what I need to do for myself to make me happy. The list seems long, but I am working on it one thing at a time.

I need to go back to school and finish my degree. If I can figure out how to pay my bills while I am in school full time, I can go back in the spring. I have been out of school for about 6 years now and it seems that the longer I wait to go back the harder it gets. I feel like I lose more faith in my ability to go back to school as the years go by, so I need to finish now while I can.

I need more personal space. Currently the living situation is Boone and I together, everyone else in their own place. Boone and I decided to experiment with living separately for a bit. The idea scared me at first because 1) change is always perceived as bad 2) society tells me that because I am in a long-term relationship I should be living with my partner and have as much of my life entangled into his. We are two different people, though, with two different ideas for living our daily lives and it isn't fair to either of us to force our own ideas onto the other. I prefer something more minimal and simplistic while Boone is the opposite. It isn't fair for me to ask him to go more minimal or for me to give up those ideas, either. I don't know exactly how well it'll go until it happens, but I am thinking that it can only serve to improve our relationship and alleviate undo strain.

I need to cut back the number of things that demand my constant attention. I have been neglecting my friends (and, frankly, have been a bad friend) while halfheartedly attending to commitments that I come to regret. I have an issue with saying "no" to a fault. I get overwhelmed and stressed and everything starts to suffer a little. No more doing that. Likewise, the things I do commit to, I need to commit to fully and follow through.

I need to improve the relationship with myself. I spend way too much time sitting in front of my computer when I could be enriching my life in other ways. I need to read more. I need to spend more quality time with the people who mean a lot to me. I need to exercise more often and make a commitment to getting my health where it should be. I need to learn to enjoy spending time with myself.

Related: I need more independence - it's been a long time since I did something to help myself. I have a lot of unresolved personal issues and I think it's time to join a support group or talk to someone. The idea of that absolutely terrifies me, but my loving, supportive poly family has made it aware that they are there for me and want me to get better. I couldn't ask for a better reason to do it.