Last night Lyndzi and I went to the screening of "When Two Won't Do". UWM asked Lyndzi and I to also panel a discussion on polyamory and open relationships.
The movie was pretty good. It quite obviously took place in the 90s. It was a lot heavier than I expected (I won't ruin it for you, if you haven't seen it). I worry that it over-sexualized poly, personally. I know people feel differently about the whole sex and poly thing than I do. I feel that the biggest hurdle we, as a community, are having to overcome is people equating polyamory to swinging. My relationships are about sharing something special and intimate, not sex. I treat polyamory the same as a bunch of monogamous relationships that happen to be going on at the same time.
Some of the questions that Lyndzi and I were asked:
- How do you feel about legalizing multiple marriage?
I believe that there is a long way to go before we are able to do something like multiple marriage. Gay marriage, obviously needs to come first. A lot of legal changes need to be made to allow for multiple marriage. How do you handle things like divorce, for instance? It is something that I would love to see one day, but I don't think it is the end goal for every relationship. The way I feel about marriage is different now that I am an adult and that I realise that having a piece of paper and a ceremony doesn't mean you love the other person more. - Are you religious?
The five of us are not religious, no. Some of us are spiritual, though. - How do you go about making major decisions that effect the whole family?
The same way every other family does: we talk about it. How will it effect everyone? What are the pros and cons? - Do you know of any poly-friendly therapists in Milwaukee?
There is a full list of poly friendly professionals available on our site in the resources section. - Are you born poly?
Some people believe they are. I, personally, believe it is an educated choice. I believe it's unfair to assume that one person can be everything. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone. - Are there LGBT people in polyamorous relationships?
Yes, of course. There are a number of LGBT people in our poly group. Open relationships in one form or another are just as likely in an LGBT relationship as they are in a heterosexual relationship. - Do you get jealous?
Everyone does. It's a matter of recognizing that you are being jealous and figure out what is causing it. Sometimes it's low self-esteem, sometimes it's a fear of abandonment, sometimes it is that they are feeling neglected. You just need to sit down with your partner(s) and discuss your feelings openly, honestly, and constructively. - Do you know of any family-friendly (read:people with children) poly groups?
Our group is family-friendly. We have a number of members who have children, from babies up to adults.
The only not-so-fun comment we had was from an older man who basically said that our relationships were superficial and that we were easily manipulated women that allowed the men in our lives to have affairs. I responded that his vocabulary and views of relationships were different from mine. Poly isn't for everyone. The relationships we have with each other aren't "affairs". Affairs imply cheating, lying, and hiding. What we do is open, honest, and ethical. I chose polyamory because I was able to choose what kind of relationship worked for me, not being stuck with what society decided I should have. I actually received compliments on answering the question so evenly - it made me proud :D
It's true that it is difficult to not take those kind of comments personally. They are almost always phrased in an aggressive, attacking way, whether or not the questioner realises it or not. I am used to the idea of having to "justify" my relationship style and have to assure people that we aren't out to assimilate them. I don't think that monogamy is a bad thing. I think that if that is what you consciously choose, it is your life. Do what makes you happy. I am doing the same for me.